So as most of you know I am on this amazing journey that is leading the way into a beautiful new way of being. Now let me start by saying that if you are a little prudish or happen to be related to me in anyway there is a chance that this blog may make you uncomfortable, that is okay.
Just click that nifty little X at the top of the screen
If you are brave I am not shy
Awareness is a constant part of my day. I am becoming aware of everything from the laugh of my husband to the fall of a raindrop. Along with awareness there is this beautiful gift of grace, openness, honesty, and acceptance. The best part of all, I am falling madly and deeply in love with myself. Not in that cliché kind of love but in this real, deep, soft, steamy, and red hot sexy kind of love.
Since moving to Oregon I had been slowly gaining and losing weight, depending on the weather, my mood, and my Vitamin D levels. Two years ago my body started putting on pounds, between the heart issue, the medication, stress, depression, and a low functioning thyroid I found myself tipping the scales at 240lbs this November. Yes I really did put my weight up here.
240 I weighed 240
It’s okay you can close your mouth now, it will be okay. I survived the shock you will too.
You would be correct to assume that the day I weighed in at the doctor’s office I would later be found lying on the bathroom floor feeling like a complete and total failure. I had become that common joke in movies, beautiful teenager who becomes the fat middle aged mom. When I finally got up off that floor I looked into the mirror I had no idea who the woman looking back at me was. What I did know was she was lost somewhere underneath all the hurt, pain both physical and emotional, confusion, and yes fat. I didn’t know how I would help birth her but I knew that I could and would, it would take a lot more work than just going on a diet, it would take a radical dose of red hot sexy love directed right at me.
So I started doing things that felt good, I stopped apologizing, I owned where I was at fault, blamed medications, a body that wasn’t working for a variety of reasons, and I gave myself a lot of grace. I gave myself permission to tell myself everything that needed to be said and then move right on through it to the other side.
So what does hot sexy self-love look like:
It all starts with hair for me. So I immediately headed out for a haircut, there is nothing that feels quite as amazing as a good scalp massage. My hairdresser/counselor has a Divine gift of bringing to the outside the inner beauty.
I started looking at food in a different way and changed the way I was eating. Taking time out to fast and give my body time to heal and rest. Never denying myself but rather purposely feeding myself things that feed my soul. Sometimes a strawberry dipped in warm, rich, thick chocolate is a food that feeds the soul. But I must eat it with passion savoring every drop. Every bite has a job and that is to bring me pleasure if it doesn’t I had to stop eating it.
Then I started dancing, I attended a few classes and when I can’t make those I dance around the house. I took the time to feel the burn but not in the pain kind of burn, but damn girl, you are hot burn! Look at you roll those hips and damn you are bendy kind of girl. These legs may have more substance than they use too, but good god they have walked the valley of sorrows and the mountains of ecstasy, they deserve to be moved with purpose and gratitude.
Whenever I remove my clothes I take time to really feel the softness of my skin on my fingertips, I feel the curve of my hips, I massage oil on my stretch marks, I gaze upon my body trying to see not only the body but the soul and the story that this body tells. That scar, that’s a story, that stretch mark another story, the roundness of my stomach that tells 5 stories. That stomach has housed 3 beautiful souls for 9 months, growing them to perfection. It has carried 2 beautiful souls whose purpose was to teach me a greater lesson than that of being their mother. They only rested in my womb for a little while but for a time my womb was their home. My womb is the Creator and Protector of life, who am I to criticize it. What I owe it is a long loving thank you. My breast may not be as firm but they are still pretty damn awesome and pretty damn sexy, oh the stories they could tell. They have been an instrument of seduction; they have brought me and my lover countless pleasures. They have nourished my three children for a combined total of 5 years. These breasts are super heroes they deserve to be worshipped!
Most importantly, I started honoring myself. I started to treat myself with love, grace, mercy, kindness, and forgiveness that I offered everyone else. I started asking myself what I wanted and then doing just that. I now only do things that are in alignment with my core, if it at all feels wrong I don’t do it, no matter who wants me to. I extend love to myself.
Since that cold November day when I found myself on the bathroom floor I have worshipped this vessel that carries my soul on this journey! I have lovingly feed, talked to, touched, pleasured, dressed, undressed, and honored it. The weight wasn’t the issue; the weight was only a mirror of a life that had become numb. I am no longer numb.
I AM ALIVE!
I AM BLISSFUL!
I AM EUPHORIC!
I AM A GODDESS!
I AM ORGASMIC!
I AM ENRAPTURED!
I AM UNBRIDLED!
I AM AWAKE!
I AM IN RED HOT SEXY LOVE WITH MYSELF!
Oh and on a not important at all side note, I have lost 15lbs and it hasn’t even felt like work it feels like making love. Whether I lose anymore remains to be seen but the scale doesn’t matter anymore, I do.