The Last Few Months

So it has been awhile since I have written anything, for more reasons than just being too busy. I find words lack a certain ability to describe the emotions I have found flooding my body over the last six months. There have been so many changes on so many levels with such profound emotions attached to them how do I even begin to find a way to let it all out.  As you know a I suffered a serious health crisis and I am finding a new way of being and taking care of myself. This has been a very long and challenging endeavor with as many steps forward as backwards. But progress is being made even if it is slow and testing my patience. I have had to take a good look at the people I was choosing to have in my life and take a step back from people who didn’t view friendship and life in the same way I did. I am not saying they are bad or wrong but rather I had to conserve what little energy I had and be very specific where and with whom I placed it.  I am learning how to protect myself physically and emotionally. I say no to everything. This is my radical year of no to everything outside my family and the year of radical yes to me. There are many charities and organizations I believe in and want to be a part of and hope someday I will but my main priority at this time is my family. And since I have an incredibly hard time saying no to some things and not others and always feel guilty when I said no it had to become a radical decision that no would always be my first and final answer when adding anything new in. Just in case you wonder saying no can be a spiritual practice.

This next piece of writing finds me yet again searching, grasping, and barely able to maintain my train of thought. So let me apologize in advance if you find that this rambles, lacks fluidity, or even makes sense. There is no way to write about this easily for every emotion I have ever felt in my life has been felt ten-fold over this situation. I watched as my best friend’s son, our friends son that became our family, my daughters first Oregon love, the boy that taught my husband and boys to fish and hunt with his dad, a boy that for a time I thought would be the father to my grandchildren, the boy that came and helped us when our house was flooding, the boy I knew I could call if ever there was an emergency, the boy I would call if anyone ever physically hurt our daughter, struggled with a drug addiction and ended up committing suicide this July. I will never forget where I was, what I was doing, what I was thinking that early Friday morning when the phone rang and I found myself on the other end of every mother’s worst fear and greatest pain. I will never forget the look of horror in my boys face, the collapse of my daughter, or the feeling of the earth spinning out of control. Never in a million years did I ever think that he would take his life, he had faced so many trials and fought so hard and seemed to finally be making strides in a forward positive motion. His death has struck our family to its very core, we have had to face, talk about, and feel things that we didn’t want to or felt we were not ready to do. I have watched my best friend be torn apart at the seams and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help or comfort her. The only thing I can do is answer the phone, do whatever she needs, hold her when I can, cry with her, and ultimately hold her in my love, but those things are useless really, for what she really needs is her son back and I can’t do that. I am torn between anger, guilt, love, and sorrow at any given moment. I am trying to make peace with any and all emotions that come up and for me that has meant seeking professional help, not because I am weak but rather because I know that there is someone who knows better ways of dealing with these feelings and the feelings my children are experiencing  better than I do.  I explained it like this to someone, I could build a house and do an okay job, but I would waste a lot of time, money and wood trying to figure it out or I could hire someone who really knew how to build a house to do it. The same goes for this situation, sure we could handle it on our own but why? There is someone who has been trained who can help us why waste time finding out what doesn’t work when someone can show us the way. Over the course of my life many people I love have died from many different reasons but never have I lost someone I loved from a suicide. The feelings and emotions that go into a death from suicide  are so varied and crazy.

The last six month actually the last year has been a year of endings, of learning to let go of what you thought something or someone was. Learning to accept what is, facing not only mine but the mortality of the people I love. Realizing that no matter how much I love there are things I cannot fix no matter how very much I wish I could. I guess I am learning that life is a constant state of change, letting go, and learning. Sometimes these things are beautiful and wonderful and sometimes they are dark and painful. I named this blog in search of glitter because I was looking for joy and laughter in the day to day living of my life but what I found is that the most beautiful glitter is found mixed in with the ashes of our hopes and dreams and the tears we share. Maybe it is because of the pain that I find such joy in something as silly as glitter. Maybe it is because even in the darkest of places the faintest of light can find that little grain of glitter and it will sparkle and shine.  Sometimes all of us need just a little bit of light to find the glitter in our life, for all of my pieces of glitter, for all my rays of light thank you, I love you.