Soul Accident

Dad had his follow-up doctor’s appointment today and it went superb. He has far exceeded the doctor’s dreams of a return to health. There are lots of theories as to what may have happened but all we know at this time is he is better now than he was even a year ago. He is walking, his tremors are gone and he is cognitively much much better. He still is in end stage renal failure and he still has advanced white matter disease but once again he is leaving the doctors shaking their heads. This is the same man who was diagnosed with Macular Degeneration almost 20 years ago and told he would be blind, only to have his eyesight better now than ever before. I am quickly accepting that doctors PRACTICE medicine.

So we are beyond thrilled and a little shocked at what is going on. Two weeks ago we were told his time was short; today the prognosis is much different. To be honest this has left me quiet shaken. I don’t know which to believe are there months or years left?  I have tried to make sense of my emotions today at this news, for they are a kaleidoscope of colors, all blending together to make quite the mess.

Truth be told none of us are guaranteed a moment more than the now, hence all of my control issues coming up. I feel beaten and bruised ecstatic and hesitant. The only way I can describe it is I have had a traumatic soul accident. Webster’s Dictionary describes accident as an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss; casualty.  For two weeks I watched as my dad slipped away, slip away makes what happen seem simple when in fact it was traumatic and not at all peaceful, for me. To make a very long story short my dad was unable to move, it took mom and I to move him from the chair to the bed. There was nothing he could do for himself.  It took Eric, Iain, Mom and I to move him to the car to go to the hospital. If you have ever had to care for someone during the end of life you know exactly what this looks like.  It ripped me apart at the seams. While talking to my soul sister on the phone today she helped me walk through this and we came up with this term “soul accident”. While my dad has been sick for awhile what happened two weeks ago was a head on collision to my soul. Anyone who has ever been in a car accident knows that long after it is over and you are home safe and sound, you still are hurt and shaking, even if the immediate crisis has lifted. My soul accident has stopped me dead in my tracks, I had to make quick hard life choices, I had to face the future without my dad in it, I had to give up all control of my home to Eric and the kids since I couldn’t be here, I have been blown away by the people who showed up with love and support and equally surprised and hurt at who didn’t, and all while trying to figure out the best way to honor my dad and what he wanted, since he couldn’t communicate it. Please, I beg of you if you do not have a Living Directive GET ONE!!!  There is no more horrifying thought that you may make the wrong choice, especially in light of the change in prognosis, what if I had made the wrong one. Don’t leave the people you love with a lifetime of what ifs.

So my soul accident has left some pretty deep wounds, I know that this collision is but a preview to what will come at some time. I have seen a glimpse of a life without my dad and I am beyond terrified. In fact, what I want more than anything is to crawl up into his lap, cry, and beg him to never leave me, to do this would be unfair to him and probably more than a little confusing, as he doesn’t remember the last two weeks. Just like any accident there is no way to prepare for it. Truth is the moment we are born we are handed a death sentence, we are terminal there is nothing we can do to stop it. We can only grab hold to the ones we love and that love us and hold on tight. So please bare with me as I work through the process of my soul accident.   It is messy but I have a feeling it will become beautiful with time.

 

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His don’t count me out yet look. 😉

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