Finding Magic

With all three of our children getting older, I thought that early morning Christmas’s might have become a memory of Christmas pasts. Think again, Momma. It was in the wee hours of the morning that our bed was invaded by our two oldest children yelling Merry Christmas, Santa came. Then the quick bounce of Ashlin laying down on my side and Joe laying down on Eric’s side, my heart was full. There have been a lot of changes over the last month. December has passed in a flood of tears and endless emotions but for this moment in time as our little family laid down together life wasn’t scary, the only thing that matter was that my little unit was safe and magic was finding it’s way into our home.  

It was in quick succession that the children went downstairs and that I was left alone in the quiet of our bedroom to gather my wits and head down to the chaos called Christmas morning. It was during this time that Eli came running up the stairs filled with all the wonder of of a child on Christmas morning, “I told you Papa was gonna be all better, he came, he came, Papa came.” It was the innocence of that moment that broke my heart and filled me with gratitude. Only two weeks ago my prayer had been please whatever happens God don’t let my dad die at Christmas, just give my littlest one, one more Christmas to believe in the magic of Papa/Santa. 

The morning  passed with the thrill of laughter and paper. It was when all the unwrapping was done that my daughter presented me with my present from her, a new MacBook Pro, how she pulled this off I do not know but all I can say is WOW! I have been working off a very broken laptop for the last year and I didn’t see this coming. But what really put this gift over the moon was what she said,”Mom, you are always doing for everyone else, you love to write, and you needed a new computer, you deserve a new computer.” Sure the computer is great but the fact that my daughter really sees me is the greatest gift I could ever receive. As a mother there are so many things we do that we think they never see but they do, they see every sacrifice and act of love, even if it isn’t acknowledged at the time, they see it. 

There are moments in everyones life that changes our course, that define who you were, who you are, and who you will become.  Losing Seth changed who I was and watching as my dad slept in Neverland  I was changed again, the exact nature of these changes are still being discovered.  Since Seth’s death I have searched to find the magic in Christmas again, and I was so close until my dad got sick.  When dad got sick magic looked foolish, felt stupid, and made me angry. Maybe I am not meant to believe in magic. 

It wasn’t until all presents were unwrapped and our bellies were full that I was able to really look around. My husband was sitting in his chair, my mom was playing a board game with Joe, Ash was asleep on the couch, Eli was outside playing, and there was my daddy. My amazing daddy was sitting on my couch, he was breathing, he was alive. My dad did make it to Christmas and in fact is doing better then he has in over a year. I don’t know how long this will last but I am so grateful that magic prevailed in the heart of my youngest child for another year.  I didn’t know if I would ever find the magic in Christmas again, but I heard it when Eli yelled Papa Came, I saw it when I was seen by my daughter, I have tasted it in Swedish meatballs, and I have felt it’s warmth on my skin as I was held in my dad’s embrace. Magic is there, you only have to believe to see it.