No

NO, why is such a small word so hard to say? It is easy to write, but to say it face to face or in a letter has been almost impossible for me in the past. It has been two long and an almost futile years learning how to say no. In fact even my dearest of friends had started to give up on teaching me how to get the no from my brain out of my mouth. They were so very proud of me the few times I did manage to spill that nasty little word out of my mouth. But I think that the fact  I was unable to more times than not made them just as frustrated as it made me.

What makes this word so hard? I have spent the last week evaluating why and for me I think it comes from a deep seeded fear of hurting someone. I use to say yes to anything, a running joke around here is anyone’s wish is Michelle’s command. God forbid you think I don’t love you or love someone else more than you.

There was a “thing” a couple of months ago that sent me to some pretty dark places. Places I could normally bounce out of, not this time. I entered those places only to hear the door slam shut. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t open that door. I tried everything I could think of and nothing seemed to help. So I relented and decided it was time to seek some help, not because I am weak but rather because I know I am strong and I needed to figure out what happened so I could go back to that place of strength. What I found out was I was too busy, so full of yeses that I had forgotten to say yes to me. I walked around scared to death of hurting or letting anyone down that I just kept saying yes. Every time I said yes I felt worse.

I kept saying yes because I was so afraid to stop and be still and see the truth of my life at this moment. It took a professional to mirror back to me what the last 5 years  have looked like, the secrets, the pain, and the  fear that I carried around with me.  Top this off with the very real and painful process of watching my foundation, my one safe place grow sicker with each passing day. I am great in a crisis, calm, cool, and collected, yep that is me. When the crisis is over I will be on my way to the doctors to give them donuts and tell them good job. I keep busy to keep from feeling. To really feel this scares the living crap out of me and I don’t know that I will be strong enough for the eventual conclusion to this. So I say yes to everyone, and I know if I keep doing this I will not be strong enough to handle what is to come.  I am learning to say no. And I hate it, I wonder if I will ever not feel sick to my stomach when I do.

Funny thing is the people who I am saying no to seem to understand. They still love me, they may be disappointed but they are not angry. They get it. So I am off to say no to a couple more things. Let me apologize in advance for my “no”, I am not good at it yet so it comes out pretty fast and then takes on a kind of crazy hmmm let me see well maybe, then back to, no. I am not trying to be vague I am just a crazy mixed up girl who really wants everyone to be happy but doesn’t want to do it at the expense of herself anymore.