Truth is…

The clock reads 12 AM and yet I find myself wide awake a million thoughts running through my head.  A glass of wine or maybe two has allowed me to relax into a state where I am able to feel what I so painfully have worked so hard to hide over the last few days.  Maybe it is time to finally cry.

I have yet to decide if this is a good or a bad thing. Only time will tell.  What I know for sure is that I am your daughter through and through. When you are asleep or not looking I stare at you.  I want to memorize every vein, line, wrinkle, and hair. I look for all the ways I am like you.  There are a lot. I think I am the perfect combination of you and mom, in appearance and temperament.

TRUTH IS:  Iain is right, this is shitty.  Shit is shit, you can’t dress it up you can’t make it pretty it just is what it is shit.

TRUTH IS:  I can’t fix this.

TRUTH IS: I don’t have the answers.

TRUTH IS: I want to be perfect for you.

TRUTH IS:  I hate myself for all the times I wasn’t.

TRUTH IS: My heart feels as if it is slowly ripping out of my chest.

TRUTH IS:  They don’t tell you about this when they tell you someone you love has a chronic terminal illness.

TRUTH IS: I have a bag packed at all times in case you need me so I don’t have to leave you.

TRUTH IS:  For every answer there are two more questions.

TRUTH IS: I love that you tell me, that you are lucky you know what will kill you. At least you know, most people just die.

TRUTH IS: I would do anything to keep you alive forever; I would go so far as to give up my life.

TRUTH IS:  I want to kill everyone who hasn’t been able to create a miracle.

TRUTH IS:  We could be doing this for years.

TRUTH IS: I hope we are doing this for years.

TRUTH IS: If you knew how afraid I was of losing you would you still let me take care of you?

TRUTH IS: I NEED to take care of you.

TRUTH IS: I will cut anyone who hurts you.

TRUTH IS: I am worried about mom.

TRUTH IS: You are so protective of her I am afraid I won’t take good enough care of her.

TRUTH IS: I am afraid I will disappoint you if I don’t.

TRUTH IS: You could die tomorrow.

TRUTH IS: I could die today.

TRUTH IS: We are all just doing the best we can but we know nothing.

TRUTH IS: Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this.

TRUTH IS: I am still the little girl you use to hold in your arms

TRUTH IS: You are still the giant who can conquer the world and keep me safe.

TRUTH IS: I need you.

TRUTH IS: I will NEVER love anyone like I love you.

TRUTH IS: Your blood runs through my veins.

TRUTH IS….

TRUTH IS….

TRUTH IS….

TRUTH IS… I am afraid and the only one who can fix it can’t.

One thought on “Truth is…

  1. Oh Michelle. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could make it all go away. I hurt for you and your family. I am sending all of my love and prayers and light and good strong thoughts your way. Oh hon, truth is no words can make it better, but I will still tell you I love you always. Hugs. Wendy

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